Becoming Shmulik M.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Goodbye Shmulik M.

This will be my last post on this blog.

As my handful of regular readers know, I haven't posted for several months. These have been bad months. Black months. But, as usually happens, I am coming out of the dark time and getting a little happy for a while and when I think of doing that, I think of blogging, and so I am. I realize, though, that blogging in fits and starts is no real way to blog and that it doesn't make for interesting reading. So, I've decided to call it quits - on this blog, at least. I may start another one.

About a year ago (just before the high holidays last year) my wife told me she had enough and asked me to leave. So, I did. But I haven't been ok since. I've put on a lot of weight, I've been depressed, and lonely. It has been a very hard year. The high holidays bring out my reflective side and I've been trying to figure out where I want to go and what I want my life to become.

I have not reached any firm conclusions, but I think it is fair to say that a life of sleeping pills, fast food, and religious guilt is only going to lead me down a dark path to an early end. And, while there are benefits to such an end, I'm not ready for that yet. I want to get better. I want to have a future in which I am somewhat fulfilled. Right now, however, I am sad, and lonely, and I don't know how to get to where I want to go.

For what it's worth, this blog has been helpful to me during some of the darker times of the past year. And, though I'm fairly certain that I don't want to be the Shmulik M. I thought I wanted to become, I am not sure of the Shmulik I want to be. I may never know.

Good luck to all of you. Shana tova u'metukah. G'mar chatimah tova. Solidarity forever. L'hitraot.

Shmulik M.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

pit (the new me)

there are times when i crash into a pit of loneliness so low and deep that nothing can lift me out. no pills or trips or diversions or burritos can take the place of what i lack. i feel a void that is always present, that can't be filled, that has a specific shape and a name of its own.

i can't write worth shit. but, if i could feel again the way i felt when i thought my wife loved me, i'd write words of gold.

i miss my wife. the skinny bitch she turned into can kiss my ass. selfish, fucked-up whore.

i used to have strong forearms. i had interesting ideas and funny stories. i could drink, and smoke, and hang out with friends and live the way a guy wants to live. i used to be like the people i see on connecticut ave in the bars having conversations that make me smile. people wanted to know me. i wanted to know me. but we never really met.

i sleep now to avoid life. i eat to be happy. i smoke to die. remembering is a curse, talking is a bore. i have only one friend in this city and i hate him more than i hate myself.

i'm so hungry. i wish i was tired. at least joseph had his dreams. my pit has only bugs. but it's just as deep as his.

My Blogdom for an Israeli Keyboard

Alas, based what I've learned from the few people who have emailed me about my Israeli keyboard quest and the little bit of research I've done on the subject, it would appear that I'm up shit creek.

Apparently there's lots of different kinds of Hebrew keyboards which can be gotten from several different sources. However, one person sent me the link to Yeda, which is the official source for Apple stuff in Israel. They actually have a real Israeli Apple keyboard with Hebrew letters and everything! and it's not too pricey, NIS 302 - which is slightly less than $70.

Nu, what's the problem, you might ask? They won't ship stateside - only to Israel. I'm still trying to contact somebody at Yeda who will send me one, but I think it's a lost cause. *sigh*

I guess I'll have to wait until I'm in Israel to pick one up...

Monday, July 24, 2006

Israeli Keyboard / Computing Question


I'm getting a new computer!

So, I have a question for all my millions of Israeli readers out there...don't all respond at once or you'll crash the blogger web server. Haha. Ok, not so funny, but anyway...

The computer I am getting is a Mac Mini. It doesn't come with a keyboard. So, I was thinking that since I'm working so hard on learning Hebrew, eventually I will want to "do" Hebrew on my new computer. Hence, I'll need a Hebrew keyboard and word processor.

Hence, my questions:

Hey there Israelis:

1. Do you know an online source where I could purchase a standard Israeli keyboard?

2. What word processor is used by most Israeli Mac owners?


(BTW this isn't the big announcement I was talking about in my last post - I'll get to that next time, hopefully...)

'Tis Late Dear Readers, 'tis late

It's late in the night, or early in the morning depending upon whether you're one of those glass full kinda people or not. I have to get up at 7:00 a.m, so my glass is most assuredly empty.

Anyhow, can't sleep. What's new right? Took the Ambien. What's new right? Not quite as wacked out as I usually am on the stuff. I guess what this means is that I'll remember having typed this blog entry when the morning comes, but I won't remember what I typed. I'll have to read it to "refresh my recollection" as they tend to say in my line of work.

I decided to bang this out in my semi-innebrieated state because I want to make an announcement to the 1/2 dozen really super wonderful readers I have managed to acquire (love and kisses and all that) that there will be a big announcement on Shmulik's Blog in the very near future. STAY TUNED. Good things are happening - to me. No shit. Really, to me. But, I haven't the time to blog about it now. So, stay with me.

Apart from that, all is fairly well. I spend a considerable amount of time shvitzing this evening, not in any fun kind of way - rather, I was cleaning the house, specifically the bathroom, which was in dire need of a cleaning. It is clean. Now I can go to work tomorrow and call the exterminator.

I live in a basement. I have bugs. Not as many as I had when I moved in, but they're coming back. I have the nicest landlady in the world and she lets me get the exterminators over here for free whenever I need them. Bless her soul.

Have you ever smoked so many cigarettes in a short period of time that you end up sitting on your La-Z-boy sweating profusely through your clothes, and through the aforementioned chair, whilst simultaneously feeling as if you are going to vomit?

Me either. Until tonight. I don't actually smoke. However, one night when I got loaded up on the Ambien I decided to take a walk to the local 7-11 (don't remember it - at all) When I woke up I had a headache, some soda pop and cookies and a pack of smokes which had been opened. Interesting.

So, I smoked some today. Stupid thing to do, I realize. But, hey, I'm all alone, bored, down on myself, and I don't give a shit at the moment. At least I didn't give a shit until the death spiral overcame me in my La-Z-Boy a few hours ago. Sheesh. Won't be doin' that again anytime soon.

Here endeth the randomness. I feel very happy and content at this exact moment. Better not think too much on it or it'll ruin the moment. L'Hitraot coolam.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Much Randomness of a Shmoo Kind

Spent a lazy day at home today - not out of choice, but out of lethargy. I'm in what some people might call a rut, and what others might call a slump. Don't mean to sound melodramatic about it, but I feel like I'm slowly spinning out of control towards a deep place filled with misery and loneliness.

It has been more than 7 months since the Ex threw me out and my psychological well beeing has gone up and down like a roller-coaster ever since. We spoke on the phone the other day, she was kind enough, but she made it clear that she doesn't want me to call her, at least she doesn't want me to call her regularly. I think she is variously tired of me, sick of me, embarassed by me, worried about me, and confused by me.

Got a call from my brother earlier today. He's royally pissed at me for something, too. He lives off money my parents gave him out in the wild west - has a girlfriend, sort of. Mostly he's confused about what he wants to do with his life and he was taking it out on me today. Little brother's got bigger problems than I do. My family is a fucking train wreck (which-though not a formal psychoanalytic diagnosis, certainly would be if Freud had ever met me and my kin). Brother and I won't be talking for a while.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and how I'd like to use it to help me get back on my feet again. I guess I don't know how to do that. I am going to try to be more expositive in my writing, when I have the time. It's hard for me to share feelings in any medium; perhaps this one will allow me to be more forthcoming.

Right now I should probably try to go to sleep. I've taken a boatload of sleeping medication and none of it seems to be working. I don't want to overdose on the stuff - that landed me in the emergency room once. The problem is that I use it to fall asleep, not because I'm not getting the requisite amount of sleep every night, but because I am not as unconscious as I want to be. The more I sleep, the less I have to deal with the world. Unfortunately, that's not how the meds work and I'm asking the impossible of them.

Hopefully, I'll reach a point where I get actual enjoyment out of the free time that I spend awake. Right now, I'd rather be awake and working and be off-work and sleeping.

I've gotten so much advice from so many people about how to pull myself up out of my abyss. If only it was as easy as it sounds.

I guess that if I have any strategy at all, it is to keep up with my work, maintain the few human connections that I have left, and slowly take small steps to improve my life.

Hebrew class is one of those small steps. It could be going better - or worse, and it deserves a post all its own. I'll get there.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Stephen Colbert Satirizes Anti-Union Assault

American Rights at Work has a link to the YouTube clip of the hilarious segment Stephen Colbert did the other day on the pending National Labor Relations Board assault on nurses.

This is the first time I've ever watched Colbert - I'm going to become a big fan now! Even if you are not that into unions, this clip is worth watching. It's just too funny!

Click HERE to watch.

Recap of Washington, DC Rally for Israel - With Pictures!

Lena, who writes the excellent and insightful Esajudita blog, has written an excellent recap of the Israel solidarity rally held yesterday on Freedom Plaza in Washington.

Click HERE to see Lena's post.

Monday, July 17, 2006

So Lonely

So lonely. I feel so lonely.

The organization I work for is having its biannual convention this week and I was not invited to go because of budget concerns.

I think The Ex is sleeping over at her boyfriend's house now.

A friend from school who I was looking forward to reconnecting to after we ran into each other at a restaurant a few weeks ago, put off hanging out with me for another week.

I have nobody to talk to about the situation in Israel - at least nobody who cares or who is as interested to talk about it as I am.

My best/only friend from work is boring me lately. He's a know-it-all. I will get over it because I really like him and like hanging out with him, but right now he's just not someone I want to hang out with.

I miss having a woman in my life.

My brother is more fucked up than usual. He and his girlfriend are nearly splitsville and the both of them are acting crazy. I'm very sympathetic to his situation (obviously) but it's still getting a little hard to take.

I need to grab hold of my life and stop feeling sorry for myself.

First intelligent thing the jerk has said in 5+ years

I hate George Bush. Fascist anti-union motherfucker.

Nonetheless, he has a point:

During the G8 summit a remark that apparently was meant to remain between him and Tony Blair was picked up by a microphone: "See, the irony is, what they really need to do is to get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing this shit - and it's over."

(Thanks to Dutchblog Israel)


Click HERE for more info.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Left Should Support Israel

Eric Lee has a brilliant post about why the Left should be supporting Israel in the current war.

He writes:

The real question for socialists when a war like this breaks out is to look at what will happen if either side wins. Let us imagine that Israel wins -- meaning that the captured soldiers are returned and the rocket attacks from Gaza and Lebanon end. The result will not only be good for Israel, but good for the Palestinians and Lebanese as well. The Islamo-fascists will be weakened. Democratic and secular forces will be strengthened. Socialists should cheer this on.

Now image what happens if Hamas and Hizbollah win. They over-run the Jewish state, slaughtering and expelling its several million Jewish inhabitants. They create a reactionary theocratic dictatorship along the lines of their benefactor, Iran. No one benefits -- not the Jews, not the Arabs. This a result that only fascists could applaud.

Some socialists are pacifists and oppose all wars. But most of us understand that sometimes a country has to fight. And sometimes two peoples go to war against each other, and we have to take sides. We look at the reasons behind the fighting and more important -- we look at the consequences of victory for one side or the other.

So true. Click here for the full article.

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